


Food

by HyperSpikes



Category: Ratchet & Clank
Genre: Food, Gen, Mostly takes place during ACiT, headcanons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:35:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23590180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HyperSpikes/pseuds/HyperSpikes
Summary: A collection of short, headcanon-based stories depicting what kinds of food Ratchet would eat on different planets. Some places and cultures have the weirdest definitions of food.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	Food

**Author's Note:**

> As Ratchet traversed the galaxy in search for Clank in ACiT, he stopped and visited many planets. While we don’t really focus on it much in the games, I’d like to think that during each visit he got a glimpse of each species’ culture and eating habits. These are mostly headcannon, but they were fun to write anyway.
> 
> Based on research done on each species.

**Cragmites  
**The Cragmite’s expression of delight, tongue poking out and drool slipping down the side of his mouth, was the complete opposite of Ratchet’s face of disgust. A small bowl of squirming, caterpillar-like, black insects simmering in a dark yellow liquid had been placed in front of him and the Cragmite.

The smell alone was enough to make Ratchet vomit. It was absolutely putrid and he stared, cringing and mouth hanging open, as the Cragmite happily slurped up the soup. Behind him he heard the vicious sounds of gladiatorial battle and some poor fool being ripped to pieces. The Cragmites sure did love cruelty. Looking back down at his soup, the worms still writhing and splashing, he decided they were crazy, too.

He wasn’t one to give into the ancient rule-of-thumb “if you can’t beat them, join them”, but right now he really didn’t have much of a choice. Not when the Cragmite in front of him was waiting so eagerly. So he picked up the bowl, held it to his lips, squeezed his eyes shut, and took a long slurp.

. . .

 **Agorians  
**“YEAH! Beat him to a _pulp_!”

“Rip his head off!”

“I wanna seem some _blood_!”

Ratchet cringed as the Agorians next to him in the spectator’s seats screamed in his ear. He was trying his best to go unnoticed in the sea of hulking, red, and _extremely_ violent creatures, but it was proving to be quite a challenge with his bright yellow fur and freakishly big ears.

He just had to get to the other side and he’d be out of this place and safe in _Aphelion_. Everything had been going as fine as things could when he felt something huge grab his arm. He was yanked down onto an open space on the bleachers, his arm feeling unnervingly small in the grip of the large Agorian next to him.

“What’s the hurry, space rat? Relax a little!” He shoved a huge box of popcorn in Ratchet’s face and shook it. “Here, have some!”

Ratchet sat stiff as he shook his head and tried to get back up, but ended up being hit upside the head by the Agorian’s massive arm. The giant next to him had thrown his hands up in vigor when the fighter he’d been rooting for won, unintentionally hitting the Lombax.

“Oomph!” he grunted as he was flung back. The Agorian muttered a tiny “oops” before placing Ratchet back on his seat and handing him the entire box of popcorn. In Ratchet’s lap, it was gigantic and blocked his view of the fight like it was a wall.

“Here, hold this. I gotta take a piss.”

Ratchet rolled his eyes and slid the popcorn box off his lap and onto the seat as he stood back up to leave. As he made his way to the door, he stopped, swiveled back around, and popped a piece of popcorn into his mouth. In the end, he took a handful back to Aphelion.

. . .

 **Fongoids  
**“Here you go, _ert!_ This should pick you right back up!”

Ratchet smiled graciously as the steaming cup of natural tea was placed into his gloved hands. He took a sip and sighed, closing his eyes in contentment. It felt _so_ good to sit down and relax for a moment. He knew he was safe here for now. The Fongoids were a friendly species – sometimes maybe a little too much. The cup of tea was placed down onto the wooden table as the male Fongoid’s wife slid a plate of warm food toward him.

“Fresh from the farm”, she said sweetly through her nasally voice.

“Thanks”, Ratchet said before nibbling away at the meat.

The husband sat down next to him with his own plate of food, his with more vegetables than meat. “We should be thanking you! Without your help, our village would’ve been destroyed! Again! _Ert!_ ”

The little Fongoid girl skipped up to Ratchet and observed him rather closely. “You’re fuzzy, mister! Why are you so fuzzy?”

Ratchet chuckled. “Because I’m a Lombax.”

. . .

 **Terachnoids  
**The dark red jelly cube Ratchet held in his hands wiggled with every step he took. This was _food_? He sniffed it – no smell. He licked it – no taste. It was cold in his hands and about the size of his palm.

Apparently, Terachnoids ate these cube meals frequently because they had all the nutrients needed to survive for an entire day. They were akin to the chalky nutrient bars he’d survived on while on Veldin – cheap, keeps you alive, and quick to eat. He’d never had this jelly cube, though.

He took a bite and decided that he really wasn’t quite sure what to make of it. It had a very slight taste – cherry? but not enough to be considered flavored. It made sense that their food would be so bland and boring. Terachnoids were so focused on their technology that they didn’t really care for good-tasting food or a decent social life.

By the time he finished his “food”, he simply decided that he wasn’t eating on Terachnos again.

. . .

 **Vullards  
**The little depot was nearly empty save for a rather old-looking Vullard sitting on the furthest right stool. Ratchet stepped off of Aphelion and sat down at the tiny shack and waited to be addressed. Sure enough, the Vullard on the other side of the counter stopped scrubbing the mugs and slowly made his way over to the Lombax. His footsteps were agonizingly sluggish and he even seemed out of breath by the time he reached his customer.

“What can I do for you, outsider?”

“Just some food. Got any?”

The Vullard nodded and turned to face the counter. He took out some strange-looking vegetables and meat chunks from tiny bags and set them on the cutting board. He cut them up into even tinier pieces and Ratchet cocked an eyebrow. When they seemed like they couldn’t get any smaller, the Vullard reached down and pulled up a blender. With surprising speed, he dumped all the ingredients into the machine and blended everything until it was nothing but brown mush.

Ratchet’s mouth hung open in disgust.

The brown mush was dumped into a bowl and a spoon was gently placed inside. The bowl was placed in front of him and he wasn’t really sure what to do.

“Forty bolts, please”, the Vullard said in his scratchy voice. Ratchet fumbled for the bolts and placed them on the counter. The Vullard took them and went back to scrubbing mugs.

Ratchet took up a spoonful, eyed it carefully, and then took a slurp. It tasted a whole lot better than it looked and he ended up eating the entire bowl.

. . .

 **Nethers  
**Neftin’s hideout was tiny – the Nether himself could barely get through the door! – but it still miraculously had enough room for a kitchen of sorts. It was pretty much just a metallic freezer that sat in the corner of the tiny shack. It looked like a miniature version of those storage freezers scientists used to preserve body organs and experiments.

When Neftin managed to squeeze past Ratchet to get to it, the Lombax couldn’t help but peek around the Nether’s hulking shoulder to see what was inside. The door opened with a hiss and ominous fog came gushing out, swirling around Neftin in ghostly curls. Clank’s interest peaked as well when the sound of clinking glass reached his audio processors.

Neftin pulled out an opaque jar paired with a sharp straw, which he stabbed into the lid and began to drink up whatever was inside. He caught sight of the duo staring and stopped to look at them questioningly.

“Yes?”

“What are you drinking?” Ratchet asked.

Neftin shrugged nonchalantly. “A soul.”

Ratchet grew silent in horror. Clank only raised a hand to his mouth. “Oh dear”, he said.

. . .

 **Zoni  
**Clank giggled as his Lombax friend tried his best to flip himself right-side up again. The poor guy was flailing helplessly upside down as he floated loftily above the ground. The Zoni buzzed together in laughter as they watched Ratchet struggle.

“Yeah, yeah. Very funny. Now quit laughing and help me!” Ratchet said playfully with just a hint of annoyance in his voice. Clank asked the Zoni to help him and they did, gently taking Ratchet by his arms and turning him so that he was right-side up.

The Zoni dimension was one of the weirdest places Ratchet had ever visited. Gravity worked very differently here. Instead of pushing straight down, it moved in circles, creating floating masses of rock and grass and tall towers that looked more like arches. Normally, only the Zoni had access to this dimension; Ratchet was the only exception. With the protective armor they’d made him, he could safely visit their dimension without any ramifications.

The Zoni seemed to have a penchant for giant mind games. They were pushing around pieces on a huge, floating, vertical playing board that had multiple layers. It appeared to be a rather difficult thinking game as each turn was followed by a long period of idleness. No one moved or spoke as the current player planned out his next move.

Clank seemed to understand everything that was going on, but Ratchet was completely lost. All he knew was that it looked complicated and required _a lot_ of patience. A Zoni floated over to Ratchet and offered him a lavender-colored orb that smelled sweet and fruity. Inside was what looked like swirling, glowing smoke. Ratchet took it in his hands where it bounced daintily in the weak gravity.

“What do I do with this?” he asked it. It only gave a shout of excitement and flew away happily. Ratchet was left even more confused.

“I believe it is food”, Clank said next to him.

Ratchet, still unsteadily hovering in the air, watched as the other Zoni devoured a similar purple orb. He looked down at his hands again and brought it up to his lips before popping it into his mouth. The outer shell dissolved and released the smoke. His reaction was immediate; he coughed and sputtered, a white puff of sweet-smelling powder leaving his mouth. It was definitely not edible, at least for him.

“Ack! What _was_ that?!”

Clank only giggled again. His friend’s face was covered in a white powder.

. . .

 **Blarg  
**The Blarg were known for a lot of things. They were extremely military-based, had the smallest sentient brains, were known to have the worst-smelling dung in all the galaxy, and were very forceful in their endeavors. One thing that everyone seemed to overlook, though, was that they loved – _loved_ – to cook.

Unfortunately, their forceful nature led them to make unsuspecting victims taste their culinary concoctions, regardless of how it tasted. Today, Ratchet was that unsuspecting victim.

“Look, I really don’t wanna –“

“Oh, _please_! Just a little bite! It won’t hurt you! Probably!”

The tentacle that sat on the plate in front of him had bubble-like pockets of acid forming on its slimy surface. One of them popped and released the stench of melting flesh. Ratchet turned his face away when the Blarg cut a piece off and held it to the Lombax’s mouth.

“C’mon! If you eat it and tell me how it tastes, I’ll let you go.”

Ratchet shook his restrained hands in irritation and let out a long sigh.

“… Fine, but -- ?!”

The moment he’d given permission, he Blarg had shoved the fork into his mouth and was now waiting eagerly as Ratchet chewed the tentacle piece slowly.

There was definitely acid in there – a little too much for his liking. But besides that, it was actually pretty good.

“Not bad”, he said after he swallowed. The Blarg squealed in delight and let Ratchet go like he promised.

. . .

 **Tharpods  
**Tiny arms hugged Ratchet’s head as he walked to the Tharpod village. Susie’s legs were kicking incessantly as she sang a song about an old Tharpod warrior in a cave. Her shoes were hitting the bare part of his arms that weren’t quite covered by his shirt or his gloves, but he didn’t mind. Just as long as she was safe in her village, he’d deal with having his arms scuffed up a little.

When they got to the village, he heard her gasp excitedly and she squirmed around on his shoulders before he chuckled and gently set her down. She ran over to the open arms of the elder, who embraced her and smiled.

“Thank-you for bringing her back”, he said in his croaky voice. Ratchet nodded and turned to leave, but Susie’s voice stopped him.

“Wait!” she said. “Ratchet, don’t go yet! Stay with us? Please?”

The Lombax scratched behind his head a little awkwardly. “Susie, I have to get back to the others…”

She stamped her foot and clicked her tongue impatiently before she turned around and ran further into the village. “Don’t move!” she commanded in a firm voice. Ratchet shrugged and decided to wait. When she returned, she was holding something wrapped up in a brown cloth. She ran up to him, out of breath and smiling.

“Here, take this. You’re probably hungry.”

Ratchet took it gingerly and kneeled down to meet her at eye level. “Thanks, Susie. Just don’t leave the village again, okay? Just for a little while. It’s not safe out there right now.”

She looked disappointed, but she straightened her back and nodded, bringing a hand up to her head in a salute. She wanted desperately to help Ratchet, but she knew that he wanted her to let him take care of it. If staying out of the way was how she could help, she’d do it.

Ratchet smiled and stood back up before waving goodbye and leaving the boundaries of the village. As he made his way back, he unwrapped the meal in his hands and found a sandwich. With a shrug, he took a bite and instantly felt better. He _was_ hungry. The sandwich was gone by the time he got back to the camp.

. . .

 **Markazians  
**Ratchet watched with an impressed smile as Talwyn aggressively yanked a large trout out of the ocean water. The bandana on her forehead was wet with sweat as the trout was hauled onto the shore, still writhing in its last attempts to escape. He cringed when she hit the fish in the head with a sickening _crack_. It lay still after that and she removed the bandana around her neck to let some air reach her skin.

“I haven’t caught trout in a long time”, she said between breaths. Ratchet looked at her catch in awe.

“That’s a pretty big fish”, he said in a stunned voice. She only nodded before asking for his help in moving the fish further from the shore. Once they were somewhere drier, Ratchet set up a fire while Talwyn cut the fish into steak-sized pieces. They were roasted over the fire and Ratchet ate two whole pieces.

“How did you learn to make fish so well?” he inquired when he’d finished his meal. She shrugged.

“Markazians eat a lot of fish. Our first homeplanet was oceanic.”

“What _is_ your homeplanet?”

“I’ll tell you after you learn to read Markazian.”

“And memorize over 600 characters? Nah.”

. . .

 **Thugs  
**“… and then he made surviving the Mangler look easy! Look, look! See?”

The thugs sitting crowded around a tiny table exclaimed in awe as they watched the holovid recording of Ratchet taking on the Mangler. The machine was known for mowing down anyone and everything and slicing brick oven pizza to perfection. There was a tiny squeak and the thugs searched for the source of the noise. Crushed between shoulders was the Lombax in question.

“Oi, give ‘im some breathin’ space, wouldja? Move!”

They rearranged and settled back down so that Ratchet could at least breathe. He let out a sigh of relief but didn’t dare to stand up and leave. After he’d entered and beaten the Destructapalooza tournament in record time, Ratchet had been the talk of the town. Some hated him, some loved him, and some wanted to be him. It was extremely uncomfortable and he really didn’t want any part in it. But he’d somehow been dragged off with these thugs that actually happened to like him to get burgers. They weren’t harming him yet and he hoped it stayed that way.

“Hey, why are you so tense? Loosen up a little! We ain’t gonna hurt ya!”

“Yeah!” another chimed in. “No payment, no pain. That’s our deal.”

A robot made its way over to their crowded little table and put down a comically tiny tray filled to the top with oversized burgers. They roared in excitement as they viciously unwrapped their burgers and dug in. A few were more well-mannered and actually ate with forks and knives. Ratchet tentatively took his and began to eat it quietly. He flinched when a large hand was shoved inches in front of his face holding a tiny bottle.

“Here, try summa this. Makes ‘em taste _way_ better then they usually is. Trust me.”

The Lombax slowly took it and eyed it for a moment. The others were all eating their burgers doused in the same red liquid and he shrugged before putting a few drops of the sauce on his burger. He took a bite and immediately his eyes widened. It was spicy – _really_ spicy – but it was good, too. He put a little more on and ate with more vigor. The thugs laughed heartily at his change in mood and clapped him on the back.

“Look at that! He likes it! I’ve never seen a Lombax enjoy _that_ sauce!”

“Maybe he’s not full Lombax! He destroyed the Mangler in record time after all.”

“Ah, shut it, Dave! He ain’t one o’ us! He’s furry and cute!”

In the end, Ratchet actually got to know some of the thugs personally without them pointing a gun in his face. Victor really liked Breegus Nectar tea with a hint of Sargasso root extract. Dave was getting his 36th tattoo tomorrow, and Rick was a really good singer. Ratchet decided that the thugs weren’t so bad. They just really liked killing people for money.

. . .

 **Lombaxes  
**“Geez Al. You really like those meat buns, dontcha?”

“Yeah, I’ve taken a liking to them”, Alister said as he bit into a second meat bun. Kaden rolled his eyes and continued to eat his own bun. Alister always made fun of him for liking them, yet here he was eating _two._ The universe really was cruel.

The sound of shuffling feet got both Lombax’s ears to perk up in curiosity and they turned around. Before them stood a confused and golden Lombax who was looking at Alister with a sense of familiarity.

“… Alister?”

The white Lombax smiled endearingly. “Huh. About time you showed up.”

Ratchet’s eyes wandered over to the other Lombax sitting next to Alister. It was like looking into a mirror. “Are you…?”

“Your father?” the other finished before shrugging. “Yeah. It’s nice to finally meet you, son.”

Ratchet was ecstatic. “I have so many questions!”

“I’m sure you do”, Kaden said warmly before pulling out the chair next to him. “But eat first. Before Alister eats it all.”

Ratchet sat down next to Kaden – his father – and took a bite of the meat bun. He’d never tasted something so good.

**THE END**

**Author's Note:**

> I love food. I think everyone does. It brings people together and helps us make memories. Never be afraid to try an exotic or scary dish. I’d like to try every strange dish there is, but as someone who’s limited in what she can eat (Celiac Disease), it’s a pretty hard goal to see through. If you can eat anything you want, I encourage you to try everything – you never know where it’ll take you. :)


End file.
